The Stages of Romantic Relationships: What You Should Know
Have you ever asked yourself “Why doesn’t my relationship feel the way it used to when we first got together?”
You’re not alone! It can be confusing and even upsetting when your relationship experiences a shift, even when that shift is a normal part of being in a relationship with someone over time.
Relationships, especially romantic relationships, don’t always stay the same. They change over time. The way you feel at the start of a new romantic relationship is often different from how you feel in a relationship you’ve been in for years.
Why do relationships change over time?
Relationships are made up of people, and people tend to change over time. Think about it - are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten years ago? There have probably been some major changes since then. Everything you experience, all of your major life events, your personal growth, all of your thoughts and feelings - they all impact the way you show up in your relationships. And the same is true for your partner!
As you get to know someone and build a relationship, your connection to them deepens in complexity. There’s a difference between the connection you feel toward someone you’ve been dating for a few weeks versus a few years. That’s because as you both grow individually, you can also grow together in your relationship. The deeper your connection, the more meaningful the relationship will feel to you.
Why does it feel painful when our relationships shift?
We tend to be sold a version of romantic love that sets us up to feel like failures. Think about the relationships you’ve seen depicted in movies and on TV. Often, the story ends when the couple makes a commitment to one another, but that’s really where the story begins! Learning more about how relationships develop and progress can help you feel less distressed when your relationship experiences a shift.
Instead of feeling alarmed or confused about new relationship feelings fading and new challenges coming up, you can remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is normal. And understanding that all relationships shift over time can help you approach the situation with more compassion and patience.
Keep in mind that there’s no “perfect” relationship stage to be in. All of the stages of building romantic love are important. Remember that no couple gets to skip the hard parts of relationships. In fact, the hard moments in relationships often help bring you closer together. Often, the most fulfilling partnerships are those where both people are willing to grow, repair, and stay open to change.
So, what are the common phases couples experience in romantic relationships? While every relationship is unique, many couples experience some version of the following 5 relationship stages:
The Honeymoon Stage
You’ve heard of this phase before. This is the stage you experience just after beginning a new romance. Due to experiencing the release of dopamine and endorphins, people in this stage typically feel great. It’s that ‘new relationship energy’ that feels powerful, passionate, exciting, and motivating.
You may feel like your new partner is perfect. You probably haven’t fought much, if at all, and differences are easily brushed aside. Couples in this phase feel frequent affection toward one another, deep curiosity about each other, and an overall sense of being “in love.” You might feel overwhelming attraction, or like you can’t get enough of one another.
How to make the most of the honeymoon stage:
This phase is an important part of building your connection, so make sure to enjoy the joy and playfulness of this phase. However, don’t rush big decisions like moving in together until you know more about each other.
Learn more about your partner’s values and goals by asking open-ended questions.
Make sure to pay attention to how you handle differences or disagreements, even if they feel small now.
What to do when challenges arise in the honeymoon stage:
Even in this stage of excitement and passion, you might feel anxiety or insecurities come up. Learning more about your attachment style can help you understand some of the dynamics you may be experiencing. Individual therapy or couples counseling can help you process these feelings early on so you can work on building a solid foundation together.
The Power Struggle Stage
This stage follows the honeymoon stage - it’s what happens when the rose-colored glasses come off. In this phase, you’ll start to see a more realistic version of your partner, including things that may annoy, confuse, or hurt you. You may experience power struggles with one another over your values, communication styles, sex, boundaries, emotional needs and more.
This phase tends to feel more tense and frustrating than the honeymoon stage. You might feel disappointed that your partner isn’t living up to the perfect image you had in your mind. As you start to notice the differences between you, you may experience more frequent conflicts.
How to make the most of the power-struggle stage:
Reconsider the way you fight. Are you being fair to one another? Try using “I” statements instead of placing blame, taking breaks when you need to calm down, and practice listening to understand rather than respond.
Try to be curious instead of critical. Consider what’s going on under the surface of the situation that’s upsetting you.
It's normal to need tools to navigate this phase. Working with a couples specialist like a therapist can help you move through this phase toward deeper connection.
What to do when challenges arise in the power-struggle stage:
This stage can feel scary, especially if conflict wasn’t a big part of your relationship before. Going from feeling like you’re in a Hallmark movie to being back in real life can be jarring after the honeymoon phase. In fact, some couples mistake the discomfort of conflict for incompatibility. In reality, this phase is often essential for developing a deeper bond if you’re willing to work through it together.
The Stability Stage
At this stage in your relationship, you’ve likely worked through your first major conflicts and are practicing responding to conflict in healthy ways. You might be sharing a home, merging your finances, or building plans for the future. The relationship may feel like a steady part of your life.
After the distress of the power struggle stage, this stage feels calmer and more secure. You both start to accept each other’s flaws, and feel more grounded with one another. In this phase, you can start to appreciate your relationship for what it is in reality, instead of what you hoped it would be.
How to make the most of the stability stage:
Make time regularly to connect with one another whether it’s date nights, weekly check-ins, screen-free dinners, or something else.
Discuss your shared goals. What dreams do you have together? What values do you want your relationship to reflect? What steps are you taking now to achieve those goals?
Make space for you both to grow individually. The stronger you are on your own, the stronger you will be together.
What to do when challenges arise in the stability stage:
Sometimes people feel like things get a little too routine in this stage, or like they’re in a rut in their relationship. It’s not as exciting or passionate, and that can sometimes lead people to panic that something is wrong. In this stage, couples may fall into autopilot or assume their partner “just knows” how they feel, leading to resentment. Remember: don’t let appreciation go unspoken. Do what you can to regularly express love and gratitude to your partner - that’s what will keep your connection alive.
The Commitment Stage
In this stage, couples deepen their commitment to one another. This stage isn’t just about staying together. It’s about choosing to show up and build something together, day after day. Together, you’ve learned to weather storms, communicate through hard times, and care for each other as full, complex humans.
Choosing each other intentionally is powerful. In this phase, where you have full awareness of the good and bad parts of your relationship, you may feel more bonded to one another. Your confidence in your ability to get through tough times together makes your relationship more resilient and more likely to stand the test of time.
How to make the most of the commitment stage:
Celebrate the ways you’ve grown, separately and apart. Take some time to reflect on the journey you’ve taken as a couple and the things you’ve learned along the way.
Keep the spark alive by staying playful. Keep dating each other and prioritizing your connection, especially during stressful seasons of life.
Invest in shared meaning. As you cultivate a life together, consider what resonates with each of you. Do you have relationship rituals that deepen your connection?
What to do when challenges arise in the commitment stage:
New issues can emerge even in the most committed relationships. Big life transitions like parenting, illness, loss, or career shifts can often cause new problems to arise. Don’t hesitate to seek support when you need it, whether that’s from a trusted loved one, or a professional like a couples therapist. Strong couples know when to ask for help.
The Deep Attachment Stage
The final phase of relationships is known as the deep attachment phase. This stage is where long-term couples end up when they’ve navigated through the other relationship stages together. Couples in this stage feel a profound sense of knowing one another and have built up trust and a shared vision for their life, even when things aren’t perfect.
In this phase, you will likely feel a deep sense of intimacy, emotional safety, and shared purpose. You move through life as true partners and your bond is incredibly strong.
How to make the most of the deep attachment stage:
Be a part of something bigger than yourselves, whether that’s giving back, volunteering, mentoring, or supporting causes you both care about.
Keep growing and learning about yourselves as individuals and your relationship together.
Make time for joy, connection, and playfulness as often as you can to maintain your bond.
What to do when challenges arise in the deep attachment stage:
Sometimes couples feel disconnected or take each other for granted after years together. Don’t assume that time alone will solve the problem when you feel disconnected from your long-term partner. Intentional reconnection is key, and working with a couples therapist can help you rediscover each other in new ways so you can enjoy many more years together.
