5 Reminders for Managing Conflict in Your Relationships

Conflict arises in every relationship. It can feel scary the first time a big conflict comes up, because it’s vulnerable to express when you’re upset about something. But learning to manage conflict with intention can help you feel more equipped to navigate it when it does come up–because it will! No matter how great a team two people are together, they are still two completely different people with two completely different lived experiences coming together. You’re not carbon copies of one another, of course you will think differently from time to time!

The important thing to remember is that conflict is not a sign that your relationship is weak or failing–it’s just a sign that you and your partner need to make space for some more intentional communication so you can come together and understand one another. With compassion and intentionality, conflict can actually be a road that leads you to a stronger, more intimate connection. 

Here are five things to keep in mind when navigating conflict in your relationship. 

It’s okay to need space to process. 

You know that saying “never go to bed angry?” It’s actually not that helpful when it comes to practically managing conflicts. While it would be wonderful if you and your partner could go to bed happy and blissful every night, unfortunately we are all people with a wide range of emotions–many of which we’re bound to experience before bed! If you’re discussing a conflict with your partner at home and you realize you’re talking in circles or you’re too emotionally worked up to have any compassion for your partner, the best thing to do there is not to power through so you don’t go to bed angry–it’s to take some space to relax, feel your feelings, and spend some time on your own processing what those feelings are. If you can’t understand what you’re feeling, you won’t be able to communicate it to your partner. 

How are you listening to your partner?

When they’re expressing what they are feeling, are you jumping on the defensive? Are you collecting points to counter? Are you just waiting for your turn to air your grievances? Listening is much more than just physically hearing. You’re not just there to hear what they are saying, part of your role as a listening partner is to try to also understand what it is they are saying. Listen not to respond, but to genuinely hear how they feel. 

Come from a place of compassion. 

When conflict comes up, it’s easy to feel defensive. It’s hard to feel like you’re being criticized or like you’re letting someone down. While it can feel easy and natural to jump on the defensive, remember the vulnerability your partner is demonstrating by opening up to you like this, even if it’s something that is uncomfortable to hear. When you decide to approach problems with the mindset that both partners are being honest with the hopes of resolving things together, you can become a team navigating a problem together rather than two individuals fighting. 

Most conflicts aren’t once and done conversations. 

You may come to a resolution that you both feel happy about, but the work as partners doesn’t end there. Part of resolving conflicts is checking back in, seeing how your partner has been feeling as you’ve been moving forward, seeing if there are ways you need to readjust or new things you need to communicate. 

You can ask for help if you need it. 

Navigating conflicts is hard! It is dependent upon communication skills most of us are not ever taught, so many of us struggle when it comes time to learn how to manage big conflicts in our relationships. That’s why we’re here to help! 

If you’re ready to start relationship therapy, our therapists at Anchor Counseling New York can provide you with a safe and stable environment to empower your growth and healing. Our therapists are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.