Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are a popular topic in mental health spaces, especially on social media. Many people struggle with setting boundaries or understanding why they’re necessary, so it makes sense that they are drawn to the topic. Lots of us didn’t grow up seeing examples of healthy boundaries in our families or at work, so it can be hard to determine if what you want is reasonable.
Setting boundaries can be particularly tough for people pleasers, or folks who struggle with taking care of others before themselves. Boundaries are an important part of self-care, so they can be easy to brush aside when you don’t make time for self-care. Setting boundaries is a good way to start to carve out some space for yourself when you’re overwhelmed by taking care of everyone else.
Boundaries are commonly misunderstood.
It’s common to think of boundaries as a way to control someone or a way to end relationships, but boundaries are actually designed to help us maintain our relationships over the long term.
Humans are all different, and we don’t all mesh together perfectly. Our differences are important, but sometimes they can make it tricky to get along or be in relationships with each other. Boundaries are actually about the actions of the person setting the boundary, not the person receiving the boundary. The boundary is information about what the person setting the boundary will do if their needs are not respected.
Are boundaries about controlling others?
It’s crucial to remember that boundaries are about what you will do, not about telling others what to do. The only thing we can control is our own behavior, even if we wish others would act a certain way.
Sometimes, people set boundaries that are too rigid or too soft.
When you’re new to setting boundaries, it can be hard to imagine communicating or enforcing your boundaries, so setting a boundary that is too soft is a common starting point. A soft boundary would be a boundary with too much wiggle room - not one with a clear action and consequence. A soft boundary often has exceptions, and is hard to enforce.
Sometimes soft boundaries are necessary, because life is unpredictable and we can’t always anticipate everything. However, if a boundary is too soft, it will be easy for people to ignore it, and you’ll be left feeling drained and resentful, just like you did before you set the boundary.
Some people go the other way and set boundaries that are much too rigid. A rigid boundary would be one that is always enforced, with no exceptions, ever. Sometimes rigid boundaries are practical (“I never, ever drive after drinking,”) and sometimes they keep us from being able to connect and build relationships with others. Boundaries are a tool to help us maintain relationships; they’re not meant to close us off from relationships.
Setting a boundary that is the right balance of rigid and soft takes practice, and it’s part of why boundaries are meant to be reconsidered regularly. Sometimes a boundary that needed to be rigid can be softened after a while, or vice versa.
Steps to setting a boundary
Setting a boundary can be scary when you don’t have a lot of practice doing so. Lots of times, the scariest part of setting boundaries is the idea of how others will react. Remember, you can’t control anyone except for yourself. Remember to communicate boundaries with respect and kindness, just like you would want someone to communicate with you.
Consider your needs
What do you need to get out of this situation? Is it time and space for yourself? Work life balance? A shift in a family dynamic? Consider what it is that you’re looking for. If you’re stuck, try to think of how you feel after communicating with this person or in certain situations. If you’re overwhelmed by work demands, maybe you need to establish when you are and aren’t available. If you’re struggling with someone being disrespectful to you, deciding what treatment you will and won’t accept can be a starting point.
Communicate the boundary
Once you’ve explored what you need out of the situation, it’s time to communicate the boundary to the other person or people. You can choose which medium works best for you. If it’s a work boundary, maybe email is the right choice. If you’re far away from the person you’re communicating with, maybe a video call or phone conversation is the way to go.
Communicate what will happen if the boundary is not respected
Setting a boundary is basically saying “If X happens, then I will do Y.” Tell the other person what you will do if the boundary is not respected, so they know what to expect. This consequence should be an action that you take, because you can’t control another person, you can only control yourself.
Follow through if the boundary isn’t respected
This is one of the hardest parts of boundary-setting. It can feel intimidating to actually do what you say you’ll do after a boundary has been crossed, because it can feel like you’re being harsh or punishing them. Remember that since the boundary has been communicated to the other person, they know what to expect now. It’s just your job to follow through at this point. Once you get some practice following through on your end, it will get easier!
Regularly reconsider and readjust as necessary
We all change throughout our lives, and our needs and boundaries will also change. Since our boundaries don’t stay the same forever, it’s important to re-evaluate your boundaries regularly. Are they still working for you and serving the purpose they did when you put them in place? Are they helping you maintain your relationships, or are they driving a wedge between you and others?
Here’s a boundary-setting example:
Alex is a 28 year old who has struggled with body image issues for years, starting when they were a child. Whenever Alex speaks to their mom on the phone, their mom directs the conversation to her latest diet and how much weight she’s lost. When Alex goes home, their mom comments on what they eat and makes body shaming comments like “You look like you could skip a meal.”
Step 1: Considering needs
Even though Alex knows that their mom only speaks this way because of the way she feels about her own body, it’s still painful to hear and it makes it difficult for Alex to spend time with their mom. It’s gotten to the point where Alex avoids calls from their mom and makes excuses to not go visit. Alex misses the closeness that they felt with their mom before the diet talk got in the way. They would like to talk with her without worrying that the conversation will turn to talk of diets and weight loss.
Steps 2+3: Communicating the boundary + what happens next
After a few months of struggling with how to bring it up, Alex calls their mom and asks to talk.
They say, “Mom, I love you and I love talking to you. As you know, I’ve struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. When I hear you make disparaging comments about your own body or other people’s bodies, including mine, it’s very painful for me because it reinforces the idea that our worth comes from what shape our bodies are. It makes a lot of sense why you feel the way that you do, because of the constant messaging we get from our culture to have a perfect body. I wanted to let you know that going forward, I won’t be able to participate in any body related talk. If you bring it up on the phone, I will have to end the conversation. If you bring it up when I come to visit, I will have to leave the house. I miss spending time with you and I hope you can understand where I’m coming from.”
On the phone, their mom is surprised but open to the conversation. Honestly, the diet talk is such a habit that she didn’t really notice how much it had crept into her conversations with Alex. She feels a little defensive about being told not to discuss diet talk, but hearing from Alex that they understand why this is difficult makes it easier to digest.
Step 4: Following through if the boundary isn’t respected
The next time Alex and their mom talk on the phone, it goes great and it feels like old times. The time after that, though, Alex’s mom offhandedly says something about her diet and Alex says “Mom, I love you but I can’t participate in diet talk. I’m going to hang up now.” and hangs up. They feel a little guilty for ending the call with their mom, but it also feels great to respect their own boundary. They get an apology text from their mom, and the next time they talk she remembers the boundary. Over time, it gets easier to end the conversation when diet talk comes up, and it happens less and less frequently.
Step 5: Regularly reconsider and readjust as necessary
After a couple of years, Alex decides to reconsider the boundary to make sure it’s still meeting their needs. They consider removing the boundary and allowing diet talk, because in the last few years they’ve done a lot of personal work on body image issues and feel less triggered by diet talk. Even though they have strong coping skills and a better understanding of their own body image concerns, the idea of opening up that line of conversation with their mom just feels too painful still, so they decide to keep the boundary in place for now.
Remember that boundaries are a tool to use to preserve our relationships, not to end them, and that boundaries are a communication tool to describe what you will do, not what someone else will do. In this example, Alex was able to communicate their boundary and practice enforcing it while still maintaining their relationship with their mom, which was important to them. Setting boundaries is a skill, and it’s something that you can learn and practice over time.
Are you struggling with boundaries? Working with a therapist can help you determine what boundaries work best for you and can help you build the confidence to communicate them. Our therapists at Anchor Counseling in New York are accepting new clients. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!
Blog authors all hold positions at Anchor Counseling. For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.
