5 Things You Should Know About Conflict in Relationships
There’s a lot we get wrong about conflict in relationships.
It would be amazing if we could get along with our loved ones all of the time, but unfortunately that’s not how it works. We’re never going to be in agreement with someone else 100% of the time, even when we love them. We have an idea in our culture that conflict is always negative, but that’s not the full picture. Conflict in relationships is normal, and can actually bring couples closer together when done right.
Why conflict in relationships is difficult
Conflict in relationships that matter to us can be emotionally activating, which can leave us feeling like we’re experiencing a threat. Remember, we’re animals. When something threatens our environment, even if it’s an argument with a partner, (and not, say, a lion hunting us) it can throw us into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode. These states of physiological arousal are designed to protect us, but in real life they can make things worse.
When we’re in those states of fight, flight, fawn, or freeze, our rational brains are offline and we’re reacting on instinct. It can be hard to overcome those states when you’re in the middle of a fight with your partner and bring your best self to the conflict. It takes practice in every relationship to find what works in moments of conflict, because everyone is different.
Some of us grew up in environments where conflict was dangerous or traumatizing. Some of us never learned how to have healthy disagreements, because we never saw it modeled growing up. It can be terrifying to risk conflict in your relationships as an adult when you have a complicated history with conflict. Healthy conflict skills can be taught, but they’re not something we usually learn in school, so we often have to cobble them together ourselves in adulthood. Learning more about conflict in relationships can help you have more compassion for yourself and your partner when you find yourselves in an argument.
What you should know about conflict in relationships:
Conflict is inevitable in relationships
There’s no way to avoid conflict in our relationships. Trying to prevent conflict all of the time is exhausting and a losing game. When we can accept that conflict is a normal part of being close with other people, it helps lower the sense of shame we feel. It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to have arguments.
Conflict can be a sign of a healthy relationship
It might sound counterintuitive, but conflict is part of healthy relationships. When couples don’t ever argue, it can mean that they’re not talking about the important things. They’re not being their real selves in order to avoid sparking a fight. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to be your real selves with each other. Avoiding things that will make you fight doesn’t mean that there are no issues in the relationship - it just means that you’re not able to do anything about them.
Most conflict isn’t solvable - it’s perpetual
What most people don’t realize is that conflict in relationships generally isn’t solvable. Perpetual conflicts make up the majority of disagreements in relationships.There are just some things that you will never agree on, and it’s not possible to avoid them forever. Part of building a healthy relationship is learning how to move forward when these disagreements come up in a way that works for both of you.
There’s usually something going on underneath the conflict
Oftentimes, the conflict on the surface is different from what’s going on underneath. The argument about the pile of dirty laundry isn’t always about just dirty laundry - it can be about feeling heard, feeling respected, and feeling loved. When you’re in an argument with your partner, try to think about what’s being triggered. Is it that you feel like your partner doesn’t love you? Is it that you worry that your partner doesn’t care about how you feel? Is this fight reminding you of a time you felt unloved in childhood?
We all carry fears and wounds with us that we’ve accumulated over our lives, and sometimes those fears impact the way we relate to the people we love. Exploring what’s going on underneath the argument can help you feel more empathetic toward one another.
Conflict can bring you closer (when it’s done right)
When you learn how to engage in conflict in a more supportive way, it can actually bring you and your partner closer together. Understanding where your partner is coming from and what is going on underneath their surface feelings can help you feel more connected and more compassionate towards each other.
Tips for healthier conflict in your relationships
Conflict is inevitable when we’re in relationships with other people, but there are things we can do to learn to engage in conflict in more supportive ways.
Practice active listening. Listen to understand, not to respond. Ask questions.
Try to see where the other person is coming from. Be compassionate and empathetic, and show each other respect and consideration. Remember that you love each other!
Try to shift your thinking of “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.” This can help you feel like you’re on the same team, rather than on opposing sides. Keep in mind that there doesn’t need to be a winner and a loser in an argument when you’re on the same team.
Take breaks if you need to. Rather than devolve into less supportive aspects of conflict like name calling or yelling, take a break. Conflict is emotionally activating, and it’s ok to need to step away for a bit until you both feel less dysregulated.
Talk about what feelings are underneath the conflict for each of you. Remember that feelings aren’t facts, and that emotions are messengers for us to understand what’s going on within us.
Be willing to compromise. It can also be helpful to learn when to escalate things into a conflict, and when to work on letting things go.
Work with a couples counselor to find healthier approaches to conflict and to help you escape the cycle of constantly arguing. Couples counseling can help you practice new ways of communicating,
