What to Ask Your Partner Before Getting Married
Have you ever thought about getting married to your partner?
Deciding to get married is one of the biggest decisions you can make. Not only is it a big step in your relationship, it’s a legal and financial commitment. Because of this, it’s essential to make sure you and your partner(s) are on the same page.
Getting married is a decision that requires thoughtful consideration from various angles, including mental health, finances, and the state of your relationship. Life moves faster than ever now, and it's easy to get swept up in the idea of marriage without taking the time to reflect on these crucial aspects.
Here are key questions to ask your partner(s) before getting married:
How Do We Support Each Other's Well-being?
Healthy relationships are built on emotional support, understanding, and a mutual commitment to growth. Before getting married, consider these questions from a mental health perspective:
How do we manage stress individually and together?
Understanding your own and your partner's coping mechanisms is vital. Do you both have healthy strategies for managing anxiety or stress, especially during tough times? How do you handle conflict? Are you able to work through disagreements respectfully?
Are we able to talk about mental health openly?
It’s important to normalize conversations about mental health in relationships. If either of you struggles with anxiety, depression, trauma, or another mental health diagnosis it's important to know how you will support each other and whether therapy or other mental health resources may be helpful. Consider that at some point, one or both of you will likely deal with a health issue, whether it’s physical health or mental health. How will you approach that?
Do we have boundaries and self-care practices?
Marriage can bring new levels of intimacy, but it’s important to maintain a sense of individuality as well so you don’t become codependent. Do you each have boundaries in place for when you need alone time or mental space? How will you honor those needs in a marriage? How do you each approach self-care? Do you respect each others’ boundaries? Do you communicate effectively about boundaries?
Do we have healthy relationships with each others’ family?
Marriage isn’t just about the two of you - it’s a union that unites both of your families, chosen or biological. How do you both get along with each other’s families? Are there recurring issues on one or both sides? How do you anticipate handling those issues as you move forward in your relationship? What will happen if issues come up down the line between you and your families?
Can We Align on Money Matters?
Finances can be a source of tension in any relationship, and marriage can complicate things even further. It's crucial to discuss how you'll handle money before you tie the knot. Here are key financial questions to address before you get married:
What are our financial goals, both short-term and long-term?
Do you and your partner(s) share the same vision for your financial future? Whether it's saving for a home, paying off debt, or planning for retirement, knowing your financial goals will help you plan for a stable life together. If you have wildly different ideas for what your financial goals should be, can you compromise?
How do we handle spending, saving, and budgeting?
We each have our own unique relationship with money, but that means we sometimes clash with how others approach finances. It's important to be transparent about your spending habits, debts, and savings plans. Are you a saver while your partner is a spender? How will you navigate those differences? How will you save for big life goals? What will you do in emergencies? What happens if someone close to us asks for money? What happens if we start living beyond our means?
Will we share accounts, or maintain separate ones?
Some couples choose to pool their money together, while others prefer to maintain separate accounts. Discuss what feels most comfortable for both of you, and whether you'll combine finances fully, partially, or keep them independent. It’s also important to consider who will be in charge of paying bills, hiring help, and shopping for the household, as these all impact finances.
How will we handle financial emergencies or unemployment?
Life is unpredictable, and financial challenges can arise. Discuss how you'll navigate job loss, health emergencies, or other financial setbacks. Having a plan in place will ease stress when difficult times come.
Are We Ready for This Commitment?
Marriage changes the dynamic of a relationship, so it’s important to take stock of your current connection. Getting married isn’t a magic fix for relationship problems - in fact, it can make things worse if you jump in for the wrong reasons. Here are questions to help you evaluate whether your relationship has a solid foundation before you tie the knot:
Why do we want to get married?
What is it that makes us want to get married? Are there goals that you can’t accomplish if you aren’t married? Is there a pressing legal or financial need to marry? Do you feel like it’s a natural next step in your relationship? Have you always dreamed of being married? Explore what your personal motivations are for marriage versus a long term relationship.
What are our expectations of marriage?
Different people have different ideas about what marriage should look like. Do you both see it as a partnership of equals? Will your relationship dynamics change once you’re married? It’s important to clarify expectations regarding roles, responsibilities, and communication styles. How will you approach division of household labor, maintaining a social life, and balancing family time? Will there be a breadwinner or will we both work? If one of us stays home with any future children, will they be taken care of financially for the impact to their work history?
How do we navigate conflict?
Every relationship will face challenges. It’s critical to assess how well you and your partner(s) handle conflict resolution. Are you able to communicate openly and respectfully, even during disagreements? Do you avoid conflict altogether or face it head-on? Do you understand your attachment styles, and how you tend to respond in moments of disconnection? Do you feel like you can talk about difficult things?
What does commitment mean to us?
Marriage can represent a legal commitment, but emotional commitment means different things to different people. Discuss what fidelity, loyalty, and commitment mean to each of you, especially in the context of polyamorous or open relationships, where boundaries might look different than in monogamous partnerships. What defines cheating for you? What does marriage mean for your commitment to each other?
How do we envision our future together?
Beyond financial and career goals, think about your shared life. Do you both want to have children? What kind of lifestyle do you envision—city living, suburban life, or traveling the world? Aligning your long-term visions will help you understand how compatible your future plans are.
Are We Ready for Marriage or Feeling Pressured?
Marriage is a personal choice, but societal and family expectations can sometimes cloud our judgment. Ask yourself the following questions to determine if you're ready for marriage or if external pressures are influencing your decision to get married:
Do I feel ready for marriage, or am I being influenced by social norms?
Our cultures often place expectations on when people should get married. Are you feeling pressured by the "timeline" of friends or family, or does this feel like the right time for you? It’s okay if your path looks different from others.
Am I making this decision out of love, or because I don’t want to disappoint someone?
If family members, friends, or social norms are nudging you toward marriage, take a step back. Are you marrying because it feels right for your relationship, or because you’re worried about disappointing others? Make sure the decision is coming from a place of mutual love and desire, rather than external pressure for either of you.
Have we considered alternatives to marriage?
For some couples, legal marriage may not be necessary to solidify their commitment. Discuss other forms of commitment or partnership, such as civil unions or cohabitation agreements. Understanding your options will help you make an informed decision that aligns with your values.
Marriage is a significant milestone, but it's just one part of a much longer journey. Whether you're considering traditional marriage or exploring alternative forms of partnership, take time to reflect on what truly matters to you and your partner(s). By asking these important questions and discussing them openly, you can ensure that you’re making a well-considered, intentional decision that supports your mental health, financial stability, and relationship well-being.
