Do You Need Stronger Boundaries, or Distress Tolerance?
How are your current boundaries serving you?
Do they leave you feeling restricted, or like you’ve removed too many possibilities for yourself?
The goal of strong boundaries is not to eliminate all discomfort in your life, but to know when you need to remove yourself from unhealthy, unsafe, or damaging situations, environments or relationships. They are protecting your wellbeing, but they are not about preventing you from ever being uncomfortable.
But because boundaries have become such a popular topic, there are ways their uses and purpose can be misunderstood, and applied inappropriately. We’ve explored before how common misunderstandings of the function of boundaries can actually lead to people making demands of others, rather than getting curious about their own behavior. Rather than acting as a wall between us and others, boundaries are intended to strengthen and extend the life of your relationships with others.
There’s a very normal and common urge to “set a boundary” when something makes you uncomfortable–and sometimes that’s good and necessary! If someone touches you inappropriately, or without asking you, it’s great to say (if you’re safely able to) “don’t do that again, or this conversation is over.”
But what about when it’s not your safety or wellness in danger? Setting boundaries to avoid discomfort is all too easy to do, especially if you’re new to setting boundaries. When you establish a boundary, it’s with the goal of making something tolerable (or enjoyable) long term. Another way we can work on that? Distress tolerance skills!
What is distress tolerance?
Distress tolerance refers to the skills and practices you can turn to in moments of extreme discomfort, or emotional crises in order to self soothe and reduce the feelings of distress and discomfort to a tolerable level.
Distress tolerance is not about learning to ignore or brush aside uncomfortable feelings, but to get to a point where they no longer take over or influence your decision making. Learning distress tolerance skills helps you cope with overwhelming experiences in the short term, so you don’t engage in destructive behavior in response to those experiences. By learning to tolerate negative emotions and distressing experiences, you are able to slow down your thinking and decision making until you’re in a calm and safe environment to find support and long term methods of coping.
How can I practice distress tolerance?
There are many distress tolerance skills you can practice with. Remember that not everything will be effective for everyone, and you may have to try a few different skills before finding one that works best for you. This is also something you can explore in therapy if you find yourself with low tolerance to distress–especially if it is leading to you setting rigid boundaries that don’t serve you long term.
A few distress tolerance skills to get started with include:
Using your senses to self soothe:
If you’re familiar with grounding exercises, this skill may be familiar to you. For this practice, you’re asked to:
Take stock the colors, light, and textures around you (sight)
Listen to the sounds around you, starting with your own breath (hearing)
Notice what the furniture beneath or around you feels like, what your feet feel like on top of the floor, the air on your skin, etc. (touch)
Find something to eat mindfully–how does it feel in your mouth against your tongue? What flavors are you noticing? (taste)
Recognize the different scents surrounding you (smell)
Weigh the pros & cons
This skill is simply about pausing and taking time to think with curiosity and intention before making a decision. When motivated by a strong, distressing feeling, practice getting out a piece of paper or the notes app on your phone to make a pro and con list. What are the long term pros and cons of allowing yourself to react in the heat of the moment? What are the short term pros and cons of it? How about the pros and cons of tolerating the distress until you can make a more informed decision? How will that impact you in the long and short term? When you weigh the pros and cons against each other, it can help you make a decision using both your emotion and your logic, rather than letting one eclipse the other.
Radical acceptance
When folks hear radical acceptance, it can sound like they’re being asked to approve of a situation they aren’t happy with. But what radical acceptance does is accept situations as they are, not allowing you to get stuck feeling like “it shouldn’t be this way!” and helping you move toward a mindset where you don’t feel compelled to get caught up ruminating over things you have no control over.
When you accept a situation as it is, you can get practical about your options. When you are stuck wishing it was different, or feeling angry or powerless, you accidentally keep yourself stuck in that distress for longer.
Do you struggle with tolerating distress? Working with a therapist can help you determine what skills work best for you and can help you build the confidence to practice them. Our therapists at Anchor Counseling in New York are accepting new clients. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!
