Setting Boundaries with Your Family: A Compassionate Guide

What comes to mind when you think about boundaries? 

If you’re on social media, you’ve probably seen an increase in posts about boundaries in the last few years. Boundaries are something that people often struggle with, so it makes sense why a lot of people post about how to make setting boundaries easier. It’s important to remember, though, that boundaries are a much more complex topic than can be covered in a social media format, so there’s often some nuance left out, especially when it comes to setting boundaries with family members. 

Figuring out family dynamics as an adult can be incredibly challenging. The closeness and history we share with family members often make it difficult to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, which can damage our relationships over time. Without boundaries in place, resentment can build and lead to conflict. Setting boundaries actually allows close relationships to remain healthy and to last. 

The truth about boundaries

The key with boundaries is remembering that boundaries are about what you will do, not about what the other person will do. Setting a boundary means you clarify your actions and responses, not that you attempt to control others. This distinction is crucial: you can't change someone else's behavior, but you can change how you respond to it.

Trying to control what other people do is not just frustrating, it’s a losing game. The way other people behave is influenced by many factors, just like your behavior. It’s not possible to force people to treat you a certain way. This can be hard to accept, especially with close family members. It’s difficult to realize that even people you care about, and who care about you, can cause you harm. 

Having to set boundaries with family members doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. In fact, it often means that you care about maintaining the relationship so much that you’re looking for ways to make a long lasting relationship possible. Boundaries are a sign of a healthy relationship. 

Boundaries are an important part of healthy relationships, especially with family. Here’s how you can determine, communicate, and uphold your boundaries effectively and compassionately:

Figure out what your boundaries are

It’s impossible to communicate your boundaries without knowing what they are, so take some time to reflect on what is and isn’t working in your relationships with your family members. Reflect on the areas where you feel uncomfortable, stressed, or resentful, because these feelings often signal that your boundaries are being crossed. Also, consider that there are different types of boundaries, including: 

• Physical Boundaries: Protect your body, your privacy, and your personal space

• Emotional Boundaries: Allow you to have your own feelings, and thoughts instead of taking care of other peoples’ 

• Sexual Boundaries: Protect your right to consent as well as communicate about what you do and don’t want sexually

• Spiritual Boundaries: Protect your right to believe in whatever you want and practice your spiritual beliefs

• Financial Boundaries: Define your rights to spend your money as you choose and not be taken advantage of financially

• Time Boundaries: Protect how you choose to spend your time

Get specific

When determining your boundaries, it’s helpful to get as detailed as possible. Be specific about what your boundaries are. Instead of vague statements, use clear and concise language. Try using a formula like this:

I feel (feelings) about (behavior/situation). If (behavior/situation) continues, I will (consequence)

or 

I need (what you need) to help me with (emotions/situation), so I will be doing (action). 

For example:

• “I need time to myself over this holiday to recharge from being so social. I’ll be spending Tuesday and Thursday afternoons on my own, and I’ll join you for dinner.”

• “I’m uncomfortable discussing my personal life in front of people I don’t know. If this continues, I’ll have to remove myself.”

Communicate your boundaries to your family 

When communicating your boundaries, make sure to focus on what you will do. Instead of saying “You can’t talk to me like that anymore,” a more effective boundary would be “If you continue to talk to me in that way, I will end our conversation.” It can also help to try to communicate your boundaries in a time when everyone is calm and receptive (although if that doesn’t happen often, you don’t have to wait). 

Using “I” statements when communicating boundaries can help keep the focus on your feelings and needs instead of blaming the other person. Remember to be as specific as possible when letting people know your boundaries. You can even let them know the reason behind your boundary if you feel comfortable sharing and if you think it will help them understand its importance to you. 

Stick to your boundaries

This step is the hardest part of having healthy boundaries, especially with family members. Once you’ve communicated your boundaries, it’s crucial that you follow through. If your boundaries are not respected, calmly reiterate them and take appropriate action - whatever you laid out in the boundary. This might include stepping away if someone continues to cross your boundary or reminding the person of your boundary when they cross it.

Be nice to yourself

Setting and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially with family. It’s normal to feel guilty or anxious at first. Remember that boundaries are a form of self-care and respect for yourself and others, as well as a way to ensure you can maintain your relationships long-term. . Practice self-compassion and give yourself permission to prioritize your well-being. It will likely improve your relationships over time!

Changing a boundary

Sometimes you set a boundary that you need to change or adjust later. That’s normal! We all change over time, and so do our needs. Communicate whatever your new boundary is clearly, just like you did the first time. If your family tries to give you a hard time for your boundary changing, remind yourself that you’re not being unreasonable. It makes sense to reassess your boundaries every now and then anyway, to make sure they’re still serving you and helping you maintain your relationships. By setting clear and respectful boundaries, you are taking an important step towards a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with your family and yourself.

Boundaries take practice, patience, and time to get right. If you’re looking for support as you set boundaries with your family members, working with a therapist can help you determine what your boundaries are and practice communicating and enforcing them. Our therapists at Anchor Counseling New York are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.