Navigating Family Conflict During Holiday Gatherings
Does family conflict stress you out this time of year?
The “most wonderful time of the year” doesn’t always feel that way. We often expect the holidays to be a time for joy and togetherness, but for many families, it’s also a time of stress and family conflict. The holiday season can bring family members together who don’t normally see each other, and sometimes that leads to disagreements or even full blown fights.
If your family tends to experience conflict during holiday celebrations, you’re not alone.
Family tension is common during holiday events, and will likely be even higher this year for families in the wake of the election. It can be hard to balance the joy of seeing family members you care about with the grief and anger over your differences, especially political ones. In a country that feels more divided than ever, these conflicts are looming large for many of us.
Why do the holidays lead to family conflict?
The holidays bring people together who don’t usually spend time together, often in close quarters. There is also immense pressure during the holiday season to make everything picture perfect. This pressure can mean that family members are more stressed out than usual, which can lead to tempers flaring and disagreements that grow out of control.
Families are made up of many different people, and everyone comes with their own set of beliefs and values that they care about. These values and beliefs can vary widely even among family members for lots of different reasons. Since the holidays are a time of year when we see people we don’t usually get to spend time with throughout the year, it makes sense that big topics, like politics, come up as everyone catches up again. In addition, it’s common to have alcohol at holiday parties, which can make conflict more likely as people’s inhibitions are lowered and their decision making isn’t as sharp.
This year, political differences may make things more challenging. People might feel upset about election results or anxious about the future, which can lead to heated conversations or even hurt feelings. It’s normal to disagree with family members about things. Sometimes those disagreements are about things that you can work through, and sometimes they’re not. It’s okay to feel frustrated when family conflict takes over the holiday festivities, and understanding why these conflicts happen can help you stay calm when they do.
A two-pronged approach to family conflict resolution during the holidays
Conflict isn’t easy because it stirs up strong emotions. This is especially true for family conflict, because it can bring up old attachment wounds that you developed as a child. Because of this, having arguments with family members can make you feel like you’re a child or teen again, and it can feel embarrassing to fall back into old patterns. Give yourself compassion when you find that happening - it happens to most people. It doesn't mean you’re immature or that you have family issues, it just means that it’s hard to break out of long established family patterns.
Family conflict makes us feel unsafe, or threatened. When we feel attacked or misunderstood, our brains go into “fight or flight” mode and our rational, adult selves go offline. Learning what to do in moments when you’re emotionally activated, like during a big family fight, takes lots of practice. Conflict resolution is a skill, and it can be learned. Just like it takes time to get good at playing an instrument or riding a bike, it takes time to get better at handling disagreements.
When it comes to anticipating family conflict during the holidays, a two-pronged approach can be helpful. The first prong is preparing yourself in advance for what’s coming, and exploring solutions ahead of time, while the second is practicing ways to defuse conflict in the moment. Preparing yourself ahead of time and practicing ways to react can help you feel more confident going onto holiday gatherings with your family.
So, how can you prepare yourself ahead of time for family conflict at holiday gatherings?
If you’re overwhelmed with anticipatory anxiety for holiday events with your family, there are things you can do to prepare:
Recognize what triggers you
Think about topics or situations that usually upset you. This could be a relative's comments about politics, your body, or criticism about your life choices. Having an idea of what topics might bother you helps you prepare to respond calmly, and it can help you recognize topics to steer away from when you see your family.
Decide your boundaries ahead of time
Do you know what your boundaries are when it comes to your family? Decide what topics you’re okay discussing and what you’re not before the event. Knowing what you are and aren’t comfortable discussing can make the event less stressful. For example, you might politely say, “I’d rather not talk about politics today. Let’s focus on catching up.”
Practice what you want to say
Rehearsing how you’ll respond can help you feel more confident communicating in the moment. If you expect certain questions or comments, practice what you’ll say and how you’ll say it. If you need to, write things down so you can reference them in the moment and your mind goes blank. Try to keep it simple and respectful, which can prevent arguments from escalating.
Don’t skip the basics
It’s important to make sure you’re meeting all of your self-care needs, both physically and mentally. Make sure to get plenty of rest, eat nourishing food, and take breaks to relax before you get together with your family. You’ll feel calmer and more able to handle tough situations when your needs are met.
What can you do in the moment when family conflict comes up?
No matter how much you prepare, sometimes conflict happens. Here are some things you can do in the moment:
Slow down
In moments of heightened emotion, slowing down and pausing can give you time to react more effectively. If someone says something upsetting, take a deep breath before responding. This can help you think clearly instead of saying something you might regret.
Consider your phrasing
Instead of blaming others for what’s going on, focus on how you feel using “I” statements. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when we talk about this topic” sounds less accusatory than “You’re always starting arguments!” and is less likely to make the other person feel defensive, which can derail the conversation.
Remember you can take a break
If the conversation gets too heated, step away. It’s okay to need some time to reset and it can actually help the conversation be more productive. Try going for a walk, grabbing some water, or excusing yourself for a moment. A short break can give everyone time to cool down so you can come back and discuss the matter with the respect you both deserve.
Shift the topic
If something is causing an issue, it’s okay to steer the conversation away from the inflammatory topic! You don’t actually need to talk about everything with your family if it will cause conflict. Redirecting the conversation to a safer topic can diffuse tension and keep the celebratory nature of the event going. For instance, “That’s an interesting point, but have you tried Grandma’s cookies yet? They’re amazing this year!”
Celebrate what goes right
Once the gathering is over, give yourself time to decompress and shake off the stress of the event. If you can, talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling, or write in a journal to process your thoughts. Make sure to celebrate any moments where you handled conflict well, and consider ideas for how to approach things next time.
Remember: navigating family conflict takes practice
It’s okay if things didn’t work out the way you planned or hoped. Remember that resolving conflict takes time and effort. You don’t have to navigate family conflict perfectly every time, but having a plan for how you’ll approach it can help you feel less anxious leading up to holiday events. By setting boundaries, staying calm, and practicing your skills, you’re making progress toward more peaceful and enjoyable holiday gatherings.
